DessyMondo's blog!
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liability to world...( those who noe me anyway )
GC : if i can do it , so can you....( i'm going to listen to you this time , no matter how much it'll hurt )
i really wanna be as strong and as determined as you. but... its so complicated. i'm running out of excuses. juz like u're sick of hearing them.. i'm not being a bratty kid when i say this "nobody understands me" but . it really is the truth. life has changed so much since i was the happy go lucky band geek in GVSS. i guess cos then i didnt really entrust my life to a particular person.
of course i screwed things up.. actually , i screwed it up big time. but i think i've alr explained enough to redeem myself. i've done/tried enough. i need a break.
Sakina : you got to stop treating others better than u treat yourself.
when will my long break be ? anyway, its like 18 more days till my birthday. usually i'll be hyped up about how to celebrate my birthday.. but, this year , my mind is filled with countless worries... sometimes i wonder if, i everyevery worry is translated to a 500 ml bottle of water , will the hoover dam be enough to hold the water? thats just a rough estimation of the thoughts going through my mind.. behind that facade of this person who smiles all the time and wishes for world peace ( i really hope it does come true btw ) is this 19 turning 20 year old who thinks about anything and everything under the sun. i know though my parents always say they'll give up hope on me etc, they'll never give up.. cos they're my parents.. its saddening because they know i'm not feeling my best they want to help me , but they dont know how to.. how i wish there was a way for me to tell them.. but , it it was that simple , it wouldnt be life , right? it just doesnt feel nice knowing that u yourself is indirectly causing the people who gave you life and everything u have sleepless nights worrying about you..
gratitude. again i stress on this 9 letter word. went to my grandma's house to visit her yesterday. she was so happy to see me. then she asked me to go today again. i wanted to go. but i wanted to spend some times with someone else also.. so i lied to her saying i have a friends birthday party to attend.GUILTY.she took care of me when i was young. buying me the sweets/toys that i wanted.. and when i was being scolded or being caned by my parents for doing something mischevious , she would hug me and cover me from being caned , thus getting herself hurt in the process sometimes. i gave her 20 dollars. its a miserable amount. but i really cant afford that much as well.. i dont wanna continue or i'll prob get comments saying that i'm being very morbid.
and , i really dont wanna blog abt that person alr.. i hope.. i really try my best to be happy. i dont wan to be a liability to my friends and family.. to those who have been constantly trying to help me , i just want you to know that it is very much appreciated .. and i will never forget you for life.. i believe in feng shui. totally random . but , one of the reasons why i believe in it is because i hope its true. * feng shui lun liu zhuan* chinese saying that one will never be suffering/enjoying life forever. i hope that after this period , i will lead a better life. *somehow i know that if you come talking to me or anything , i will still do anything for you*
so stupid of me. As chief would say : you gotta wake up your idea... yep . i got to...
life is not a bed of roses. LOL. mine is far from it. i find it hard to trust people now actually. so , sorry ...just that , the hurt.. is kinda enough to put me away from alot of things for quite a while.
have some medical appointment in the morning.. shall blog again when i can..
posted @ 7:42 AM
